Khajuraho

not to shortchange the rather interesting temples of khajuraho but i feel the need to summarize our one night, 1.5 day stay there.
(let's pretend im capable of being that concise)
as the overall overwhelming weight of tourism has skewed the experience.
skewed it horribly.
that, in the end, it was a relief to leave.
more so than any other stop in our trek across northern india so far.

no wait. no summary.
thats a lie.
i feel a rant coming on.
youve been warned.
leave now or forever hold your peace.

im not kidding.

-------

khajuraho.
yet another train ride and we arrive in khajuraho.
yet another wading through the throng of tuk-tuk and rickshaw drivers.
yet another argument with our chosen tuk-tuk driver and hotel hawkers that magically pop up- much like the cow shit along the streets (i recommend keeping your eyes to the ground at all times in india in order to avoid some unwanted treading).
we ended up running in the opposite direction and taking refuge in a restaurant.

it was time to simply sit and eat and on this occasion we had picked up a stray.
a lovely young woman traveling alone.
chinese.
and spoke so little english i wondered if i ought to envy or worry for her.
(though really she had managed quite well so far - my possible concern would be uncalled for).
envy in the thought that its much easier to ignore the hawkers when one doesnt understand what they are saying.
and worry.
because i know what it is to be lost in a land and communication is reliant upon gestures and repeated, but poorly pronounced, words.
but.
we did survive breakfast.

and in the process picked up a fan in a local tour guide who, like many others, began the conversation innocently. he inquired about our journey and our life and we likewise inquired about his own along with pertinent information regarding transportation to our next location (always always ask the same question of half a dozen different people in order to somehow obtain some semblance of the truth by simply choosing the lowest number given of all figures relayed).
it turned out he spoke english rather well and oddly enough, spanish.
apparently he had yet to be certified as a guide, but was working on it.
slowly.
he offered us a ride to a hotel option and hoped to "just talk" with us some more that day...he appeared in random places and wouldn't seem to go the hell away.

now.
he could very well have good intentions.
the want to practice english and spanish.
to learn a bit more about the world.
he seemed rather motivated.
yet. as (im sure somewhere) has been noted -
kindness has an ugly side too often and even taking advice can demand a price.

oh would you like to learn about my village?
i would really like to show you -
so now. we all done.
buy me this. no - no. give me more.

no no no. more.

tips demanded when you know youve already been overcharged.
commissions granted when some supposed do-gooder is just showing you the way.
restaurants with two different menus - one for the locals and another for the tourists.
ive been smacked on the forehead by a man wearing lipstick because i refused to give him money.
supposedly these cross dressers bestow blessings around here.
and people always give them money.
for what? clapping their hands and waving a finger around.
fuck that. and fuck cultural beliefs.
im a woman on the edge with this bullshit!
ive got issues with my own god-
like i have enough energy to go for yours.
or any of your few hundred.
and give me a proper drag queen any day -they'll show you how its done bitch.

ive gotten off the train here.
somewhere.
give me a moment.
some days i have a point.

ah yes.
essentially.
michiko and i had become a rather irritated pair.
the gloss of Tariq had faded and we faced new bastards in a new town.

studies ought to be done on these interactions.
not sure about the other tourists.
but they piss me off to the point that i dont even want to leave my fucking gueshouse.
the minute i hit the streets its one man after another.
after another. and another. and -

i could rant about this all day.
you dont have to read it.
but it makes me feel better.

it just boggles the fucking mind!
i can't even glance at a skirt on a rack without being assaulted.
i won't fuck shopping then! i dont want your shit!

i am.
when in a more rational mindset that is.
aware of the underlying differences.
culture clash. different modes of functioning, etc etc
blah blah blah.
and more blah.
really.
but.
im also tired.
from a journey in a strange land.
the journey alone strips you of the known comforts.
those outer layers.
and that - in itself - is why i go to the places i go to.
to get a little closer to that, at times, elusive core.

but this.
this wears you down to a sliver.
rubbed fucking raw.
and you start to hate yourself for the bitch that you have become.
for needing to shove even genuinely kind people away.
for the arrival of every defense mechanism known.
for the building and arming of the fort.
dont talk to me.
dont look at me.
dont ask me for anything.
a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
dont even ask for a smile.
ive got nothing left babe.
not a damned thing.

-------------

i had to take a break there.
its not about money.
though ive made the rule to not give money to anyone.
man, woman, child.
no matter what state they are in.
various reasons of which i will not go into.
i do give food however (not candy).
but again. not now.

you know.
early on.
in delhi actually.
i was looking into getting my bus ticket to dharamsala.
a man wanted me to pay in full upfront the day before.
some random little tourist agency on some random little corner.
i said i would do a portion and the rest when i was on the bus at departure.
ive been cheated before.
in terms of what was promised for the price.
from some random little agency on some random little corner in some other parts of the world.
and accomodations of transport.
and do you know -
he says -
"ma'am, you cannot be so pessimistic. its not good."
oh really?
watch me.
watch all that is negative, pessimistic, guarded, and angry within sharpen their pointy sticks and practice their roar.
but that doesn't mean i like being this way.
and he wouldn't know that would he?
none of these people would.
and every time i want to smile at a child and feel the corners of my mouth lift they come running my way with hands out asking for _______.
and every time i want to enjoy a sincere conversation about language or presidents or occupations someone wants to touch me and/or take me somewhere for ________.
and while my nature is inclined to tip handsomely (ask my family) for whatever service has been rendered forgive if i feel the need to deny any extra when im cheated from the start.

i spend too many moments refereeing between these various inclinations and wants and instincts.
its what leads to the exhaustion.
never mind the lack of toilet paper or mountains of litter or what have you.
they are so little in the grand scheme of it.
truly - so little.
but.
that i am in any way close to horrid at all -
that the warmth must grow frigid.
is the hardest thing really.
the hardest thing of all.

-------------------------
actual events.

our first foray into temple land led us to the jain and northern temples (no cost).
its possible (with shoes removed) to actually step inside each temple.
quiet shuffles into the somewhat damp, dark stone curves.
i pulled out my super-powered home depot flashlight and felt a bit like Lara Croft.
Michiko was reminded of the The Mummy and we then chatted on about our mutual adoration of Brendan Fraser while exploring each nook and cranny.
or rather i explored the cobwebs and she took photos in the dark.
the halls are not endless (rather too short) and follow a simple inside pattern really.
a path around each inner sactum, but that little tingle of adventure and exploration could not be ignored.
and deserved a slight grin.

we then got suckered into a tour of the old village by two boys which, while interesting to learn about daily functioning (such as the lines seperating each portion of the village by caste) of the people - the boys, as it concluded, demanded more than what we actually gave them out of appreciation (when we certainly never discussed anything to begin with, it was another one of those oh, where are you from? how old are you? im 12, this is where i go to school...etc etc etc)- again..
it ends the experience with a wretched taste in the mouth.
tainted memory.

we lunched twice in a small spot favored by the locals (so we were informed by a man trying to steer us away and towards some popular tourists locales instead - bastard) tucked away between an endless series of souvenir shops.
Agrawalora (hopefully that is correct).
tasty of tasties!

we did see the western temples (250 entrance and worth it i feel - reasonable and they are intriguing) famed as the "kama sutra temples" with carvings of sexual positions, fondling, and the like.
in reality - the temples show a wide variety of images from daily life, mundane to spiritual worship. yes they are some rather interesting images presented (and perhaps a position or two i'd like to try) but the attention these temples recieve for the sexual aspects alone is grossly overstated.
(and you will have the young man or two who thinks they are being just that clever by sliding some innuendo into their conversation)
however, if you do want to see some rather interesting 1,000 year old architecture (quite quite different from taj mahal/mughal reign work) i'd recommend a trip.
the detailing of this work and the carving involved is lovely and worth a day adventure.
though perhaps not much more.